If you think you’ve heard all the horror stories about the penis on the internet, get ready. This is a smile.
In a recent video posted on TLC’s YouTube account, Dr. Matthew Valente explains once that he cared for a patient who had his whole hand attached to his penis. Yes, you read that right. Dr. Valente told the story as part of the glorious and cheating TV show Sex Sent Me To The ER – and, boy, you’ll never forget it.
Now, the “recreation” of the stage leaves much to be desired through the performance. But the so-called bare bones of the story make up for any dramaturgy.
According to Dr. Valente, he met the truly unfortunate man in the emergency room after his enigma of intercourse. Apparently, the man’s wife woke him up to have a good dose of sex in the morning. But in his dormant state, the man grabbed a bottle of super glue from his nightclub, not lubricating.
“He just said in his sleepy dream, you know, that he was trying to go fast in the draw and apparently he went a little too fast,” Dr. Valente says. “And voila, his hand stuck to his penis.”
Although her husband has a gorilla pen, ehm, the wife worries about making a family engagement within hours. But figuring out how to undo the glue isn’t exactly easy.
“It was a lot of skin that came together,” Dr. Valente says. “There was not just a small amount of glue. It wasn’t just a finger. In fact, it was the whole palm and all the fingers that were firmly attached to the genitals.
As if you didn’t know, Dr. Valente says that the penis is one of the most sensitive and innervated organs in the body. Needless to say, this poor man was in a lot of pain. To “help,” his wife calls his family, who enter the hospital room, to leave the clothes in the party emergency room. Priorities.
Now, there are three disposal options, you know, if you ever find yourself with your hand mercilessly stuck in the trash. Dr. Valente plays with the idea of a painful soak in acetone, a soak in hot, soapy water, or just wait until the respective skin is finished. You know, like it was an option.
A disgruntled father-in-law pushes him to do a painful acetone soak, which is the quickest option.
“You could say he almost wants to see his son-in-law in pain,” Dr. Valente says.
Doctors, however, continue to put the patient upside down on an impromptu “massage table,” creating a divot in the center for a sink of hot, soapy water. After about two hours, his hand comes off his soldiers. And all that remains is to let the excess glue wear off naturally and apply antibiotic ointment to small abrasions on the penis.
I bet you take a second look at this lubricant just to be sure it’s actually lubricating the next time you’re in the mood.
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